Pocket Vocabulary of Kremlin-speak

Dmitry Kiselyov, the head of the Kremlin's Russia Today (RT) news agency, a soapbox to promote the Kremlin's policies, disparage homosexuality, denigrate the West and speculate about Western-led conspiracies as well as attack the political opposition to Putin. (Image: screen capture)

Dmitry Kiselyov, the head of the Kremlin's Russia Today (RT) news agency, a soapbox to promote the Kremlin's policies, disparage homosexuality, denigrate the West and speculate about Western-led conspiracies as well as attack the political opposition to Putin. (Image: screen capture) 

2016/06/11 • Analysis & Opinion, Russia

Article by: Ilgar Gadzhiev

Use this short vocabulary to translate the language the Kremlin uses in its broadcasts into human language:

  • Sacralanything that the Kremlin wants to steal
    Russian special forces and mercenaries "evacuate" a local resident as Russian troops assault the Ukrainian Belbek airbase, outside Sevastopol, Crimea, on Saturday, March 22, 2014. (Image: AP Photo/Ivan Sekretarev)

    Russian special forces and mercenaries subdue and escort away a local resident before Russian troops assault the Ukrainian Belbek airbase, outside Sevastopol, Crimea, on March 22, 2014. (Image: AP Photo/Ivan Sekretarev)

  • Sovereignanything that the Kremlin has stolen already
  • Geopoliticsa rationale the Kremlin uses to steal
  • Sphere of influence — the area the Kremlin already considers its territory, even if it hasn’t yet annexed it
  • Fascists — those who do not voluntarily share “sacral” with the Kremlin
  • Liberals — “fascists” who talk a lot and have nothing to steal
  • Spiritual staples — the talent to follow government orders
  • Sociological survey — a notification to the population of what specific kinds of “spiritual staples” are sought from them
  • Balanced opinion — a lively monologue on the topic of “spiritual staples
  • Blogger — a low-paid propaganda official
  • Expert — a propaganda official with mid-range compensation
  • Political analyst — a highly-paid propaganda official
  • Journalist — a gofer, a courier, or a microphone with legs
    The Putin poster at a demonstration in Moscow quotes George Orwell's "War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength." (Image: EPA)

    The Putin poster at a demonstration in Moscow quotes George Orwell’s “War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength.” (Image: EPA)

  • Liberal democracy — Zhirinovsky
  • Managed democracy — Pavlovsky
  • Sovereign democracy — Surkov
  • Dear fellow Russians — cheap Russians
  • Real patriots — expensive Russians
  • Migrants — non-Russian blockheads
  • There will be no war — there will be war
  • To dance to the Western tune — to abide by international treaties and protocols
  • Eurasia — the territory with free accreditation for agents of the Russian Federal Security Service (FSB)
  • Russian human rights representative — another name for an FSB handler
  • Unethical — anything unsanctioned by the FSB
  • Illegal — anything that is done at free will, without a government order
  • Honest elections — voting conducted under FSB control
  • Coup d’etat  or  junta — any voting conducted without FSB control
  • Architecture — any kind of real estate nonsense
    Russian pop singers Kobzon and Baskov (Image: Russian Defense Ministry's Zvezda TV)

    Russian pop singers Kobzon and Baskov (Image: Russian Defense Ministry’s Zvezda TV)

  • Culture — a concert to celebrate the National Police Day given by pop singers Baskov and Kobzon
  • Literature — a long-forgotten school subject
  • The Russian State Duma — the combination of a cheap buffet and an expensive garage
  • The Kremlin — the combination of an expensive buffet and a no-charge garage
  • Spirituality — dragging your bones to the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour again.

Related:

Translated by: A. N.
Source: Fakeoff.org

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  • Dirk Smith

    Nails it.

  • Oknemfrod

    To continue the list (In no particular order, and by far not complete):

    * The fifth column: Russians who fail to appreciate the benefits of the tenets of putinism.
    * Ukrops: Ukrainians who fail to do the same.
    * Zhidobenderovtsy: Jews who’ve forgotten they are supposed to hate the Ukrainians.
    * Russkiy Mir: The Earth.
    * Russians: Aryan race that has descended from the Carpatians and created and invented everything good.
    * Americans: Bad people who’ve stolen everything the Russians have created and want to steal more.
    * Maidan: A contagious disease (created by Shaitan).
    * Ukraine: Part of Russia afflicted with the Maidan.
    * Ukrainians: Subhumans species populating Ukraine (sans Russian-speaking ones).
    * Ukrainian: A time machine, i.e. a Russian derivative spoken before the advent of Russian.
    * Crimea: Part of Russia away from Russia that has joined Russia voluntarily.
    * Alaska: Part of Russia away from Russia that hasn’t joined Russia voluntarily yet.
    * America: Very bad, poor, lawless place.
    * Americans: Very bad, poor, lawless, stupid subhumans populating America (codename: Pindos).
    * Obama: An evil primate who got into the White House by descending from a palm tree.
    * Putin: The greatest genius of all peoples and times.
    * Bread: A baked haut cuisine item made out of forage with yeast, still available as food.
    * Cheese: An haut cuisine palm oil product newly available for consumption.
    * Road: A semi-hard surface resembling potholed cheese (not available as food).
    * Car: A mechanized vehicle steered on the road so as to avoid the potholes.
    * Cigarettes: Source of oxygen for the lungs.
    * Vodka: Drinking water.

  • Alex George

    FSB – (formerly) great freedom fighters; (now) enemies of civilisation and of the great Russian soul;

    Zolotov – Crusader who will save Russian from the FSB.