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“When a sick man lectures the world:” Dozens of new Putin jokes composed in Russia

“When a sick man lectures the world:” Dozens of new Putin jokes composed in Russia
Translated by: A. N.

Policies of the Russian President Vladimir Putin, the aggression against Ukraine, and the economic crisis in Russia led to the creation of many new jokes about the Russian leader.

Here’s a collection of fresh Putin jokes that a Russian human rights activist Yelena Vasilyeva published on her Facebook page.


Discussion at a Russian pharmacy:
   Customer: “I need a tranquilizer…”
   Pharmacist: “Do you have a prescription?”
   Customer: “What, a Russian passport is not enough?”
– Yesterday I watched the new movie “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.”
– So, what do you think?
– It pales in comparison to yesterday’s statement by Putin.
– Tell me, what is the number one product of mass consumption in Russia?
– Putin’s lies.
– Why not vodka?
– Because fewer people consume vodka.
– Did you hear, Putin said that the Russian army will be equipped with modern offensive and defensive weapons, which no other army in the world will have?
– Oh, he is again about women and children, behind which our polite “little green men” will hide…
Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin decided to do anything to keep up with the leaders of Western countries. So, when all of them imposed economic sanctions against Russia, Putin also imposed sanctions, which also were… AGAINST Russia, by banning the import of consumer products for its people.
Once early in the morning Putin went to the bathroom to empty his bladder. Suddenly he saw in the window that the highest building in Moscow sports a Ukrainian flag on its top. So, Putin also emptied his bowel.
– Vladimir Vladimirovich, will there be an “Iron Curtain” again?
– No! The regular barbed wire will do.
At a seance Putin summoned the spirit of the Russian tsar Peter the Great.
The tsar tells him outright: “You are a power-hungry mediocrity! The economy is stagnating! The culture is degrading! You have not one normal ally in Europe!” And  punches Putin in the face.
Putin interrupts the abuse: “Well, really, Peter Alekseyevich, don’t I have some merits?! For example, I do not drink alcohol and do not smoke, I lead a healthy lifestyle…”
“And that’s also bad!” – Peter yells.
Putin is confused: “Why is it? I take care of my health, isn’t that good?
“It’s good for you, but bad for Russia. For which devil, did you–a dickhead [“huylo”]–shut ‘the window’ into Europe I built?”
Vladimir Putin commented on the depreciation of the ruble: “The Russian ruble is falling while ‘rising from its knees’ and with its head held high!”
In an interview with Russian television, Putin loudly stated that the ruble exchange rate will soon begin to increase.
“I have already written a letter to Grandfather Frost and Santa Claus” – Putin said a little quieter.
I saw the headline “President Putin puts up candles for Novorossiya.”
And I thought: “Yes, he has to do it. That thing is full of hemorrhoids…”
Putin tests Russia’s first electric vehicle with GLONASS [a Russian alternative to GPS]: “The car with President Putin at the wheel traveled 100 meters in just 3 seconds!”
   – And then what???
   – Then the power cord got pulled out from the wall socket…
The Russian Federal Service for Drug Control opposes the legalization of narcotic substances in Russia.
They reason that for Russian citizens, Putin and the state-controlled TV are already more than enough.
“Judging by the number of airplane crashes involving Russia, Putin served not in the KGB, but in the air defense troops…”
Report: “In the city of Kirov, a man came out of the coma to turn off the hospital room TV set, which was showing “The Week’s News” and news about Putin.”
Putin went with a secret inspection of Novorossiya.
At the first block post there his Mercedes was taken from him, he was beaten up and thrown into a ditch.
“Our people!” – Vladimir Vladimirovich said with relief.
Discussion between two prison inmates:
   – What are you in for?
– I created a comic strip, where I wrote that our president is a moron.
– So, what article of the criminal code did they use to convict you: for slander or for extremism?
– Neither of those. It was for the disclosure of state secrets!
Yanukovych asks Putin: “Since the Crimea joined Russia, may I, as the legitimate president of Ukraine, go to Foros in Crimea?”
Putin: “No, you are the legitimate President of Ukraine only in the city of Rostov.”
What is Putin? Putin is a medical case when one sick man lectures the whole world.
When Putin was conquering Kabaeva’s heart [Alina Kabaeva is his reported mistress], was he also driving women and children in front of him?
Why do we need psychiatric and narcotics tests to obtain a driver’s license, while to manage the country, they are not necessary?!
Russia is concerned about “repressions” against its citizens conducted by Ukraine: as soon as a Russian citizen with an automatic rifle and/or some explosives crosses the Ukrainian border, he is immediately arrested.
In this regard, the Russian Foreign Ministry expresses its strongest protest against the atrocities of the Benderites!
Vova [Putin] and Alina [his mistress] having a conversation at home:
  – Vova, is it true that the Benderites encircled Russia?
– That’s true, Alina, so true.
– Is Merkel a Benderite?
– She’s a typical Deutsche Benderite!
– Is Obama also a Benderite?
– A typical African American Benderite!
– Is Yanukovych a Benderite too?
– No… Yanukovych is just a moron!
– Did you hear that Russia holds the 1st place in the world for psychiatric illnesses?
– Why do you find it so surprising? 70% of citizens idolize the mad fuhrer, schizophrenic Putin…
Putin, while flying home from Brisbane, was wiping his tears.
His press-secretary approached him: “Do not be upset. They are just jerks. They were rude, but so what.”
Putin: “I can’t get the koala out of my thoughts. Such hugs!”


As reported by the “Observer”, recent events show that Vladimir Putin was under threat of international isolation. At the summit of G20 in Brisbane, world leaders staged an unofficial boycott of the president of Russia, causing Putin to leave the summit early.

Translated by: A. N.
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