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Putin unfiltered

Putin unfiltered

By Thomas Theiner 

Putin, a master of doublespeak, spoke on July 21st about the downing of Malaysian Airlines Flight 017. Below follows his statement as he meant it.

VLADIMIR PUTIN: In response to the terrible tragedy that I just lost my cover of deniability regarding the mercenaries, my military intelligence service arms, trains, and leads in my war against Ukraine, I want to reiterate Russia’s position about the current situation in Ukraine – a country that in my view shouldn’t exist.

I have called repeatedly on the Ukrainians to either stand down so my mercenaries may shoot them in the back more easily or to just surrender half their nation to my Great-Russian Reich. If Ukraine had not started to defend itself on June 28, the embarrassment of my mercenaries being beaten in Sloviansk wouldn’t have forced me to provide them with air-defense systems meant for World War III, and wouldn’t have led to them blowing up the wrong plane.

No one should and no one has the right to use this tragedy to pursue their own political goals, unlike me, who ordered the 1999 apartment building bombings in Russia to further my own political goals. Rather than dividing us, a cock-up of this sort should bind my inner circle closer together, because I am not about to go down alone for this. I say this directly to all those in my military, security and propaganda apparatus who have been working hard with me to destabilize the region and now must undertake great efforts to help me obfuscate the truth before the Russian people and before the peoples of the countries whose citizens were killed in this PR disaster that endangers my plans to steal $ 25 billion with my cronies from the FIFA 2018 Worldcup budget.

Everything possible must be done to ensure that international experts will not be able to investigate the crash site. Agents from my secret service posing as representatives from the Donbas region are already misleading and hampering the Malaysian experts, who have arrived at the site, but this is not enough.

It is essential for my survival that Russia insists on an international commission under ICAO aegis, which will need weeks to set up, thus giving my men time to hide the evidence, manipulate the black boxes and cremate the bodies with too much shrapnel. We must do everything possible to ensure my ass is safe, my war in Ukraine keeps going and that the West doesn’t grow a pair of balls and enact meaningful sanctions.

For my part, I will do everything within my power to keep fanning the conflict in eastern Ukraine and move it from the covert military phase we see today to an all out war phase, in case my obstructions of the investigation into my murderous actions in Ukraine come to naught. Diplomacy and other peaceful means don’t work with me, but as long as brain-damaged fools like Germany’s Steinmeier agree with me that a 1,000 Ukrainians killed by my mercenaries and 300 people blown out of the sky by my military are something that shouldn’t be sanctioned, I feel encouraged that I will – with the help of my US PR agency Ketchum – get out of this PR disaster too and be left to pursue my dream to overtake my idol Stalin in butchering Ukrainians.

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