Putin unfiltered

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2014/07/21 • Featured, Politics

By Thomas Theiner www.twitter.com/noclador 

Putin, a master of doublespeak, spoke on July 21st about the downing of Malaysian Airlines Flight 017. Below follows his statement as he meant it.

VLADIMIR PUTIN: In response to the terrible tragedy that I just lost my cover of deniability regarding the mercenaries, my military intelligence service arms, trains, and leads in my war against Ukraine, I want to reiterate Russia’s position about the current situation in Ukraine – a country that in my view shouldn’t exist.

I have called repeatedly on the Ukrainians to either stand down so my mercenaries may shoot them in the back more easily or to just surrender half their nation to my Great-Russian Reich. If Ukraine had not started to defend itself on June 28, the embarrassment of my mercenaries being beaten in Sloviansk wouldn’t have forced me to provide them with air-defense systems meant for World War III, and wouldn’t have led to them blowing up the wrong plane.

No one should and no one has the right to use this tragedy to pursue their own political goals, unlike me, who ordered the 1999 apartment building bombings in Russia to further my own political goals. Rather than dividing us, a cock-up of this sort should bind my inner circle closer together, because I am not about to go down alone for this. I say this directly to all those in my military, security and propaganda apparatus who have been working hard with me to destabilize the region and now must undertake great efforts to help me obfuscate the truth before the Russian people and before the peoples of the countries whose citizens were killed in this PR disaster that endangers my plans to steal $ 25 billion with my cronies from the FIFA 2018 Worldcup budget.

Everything possible must be done to ensure that international experts will not be able to investigate the crash site. Agents from my secret service posing as representatives from the Donbas region are already misleading and hampering the Malaysian experts, who have arrived at the site, but this is not enough.

It is essential for my survival that Russia insists on an international commission under ICAO aegis, which will need weeks to set up, thus giving my men time to hide the evidence, manipulate the black boxes and cremate the bodies with too much shrapnel. We must do everything possible to ensure my ass is safe, my war in Ukraine keeps going and that the West doesn’t grow a pair of balls and enact meaningful sanctions.

For my part, I will do everything within my power to keep fanning the conflict in eastern Ukraine and move it from the covert military phase we see today to an all out war phase, in case my obstructions of the investigation into my murderous actions in Ukraine come to naught. Diplomacy and other peaceful means don’t work with me, but as long as brain-damaged fools like Germany’s Steinmeier agree with me that a 1,000 Ukrainians killed by my mercenaries and 300 people blown out of the sky by my military are something that shouldn’t be sanctioned, I feel encouraged that I will – with the help of my US PR agency Ketchum – get out of this PR disaster too and be left to pursue my dream to overtake my idol Stalin in butchering Ukrainians.

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  • Cristian Muñoz

    “and be left to pursue my dream to overtake my idol Stalin in butchering Ukrainians.”
    I like this part. It’s a very good reminder, for present day Ukrainians, about the past Russian behavior in Ukraine.

  • Dr. Stanley Wesolowsky Ph.D.

    Great piece of work, lampooning Putin.

  • sandy miller

    Good piece. My parents were survivors of Stalins Ukrainian famine. I’ve known about it from the time I was a little girl but never heard it spoken about in the world. I always wondered why people in Ukraine were so unimportant that if 3-7 million of them starved to death on farms and no body cared or even mentioned it as part of history.

  • Bo Worried

    Now write a piece about US politicians (McCain & Cruz) that support Ukraine by posing for photo op mug shots with Ukrainians in Ukraine and then fly home to Washingttopn to forget what thier brave chest beating rhetoric meant to the crowds they addressed.
    However it does wonders for thier political standing with the local constituents and they can say they are for freedom as long as they do not have to vote for any financial or military support.

    • Murf

      Unfortunately McCain has a lot of influence but not a lot of power. For an explanation of the lack of effective US support you have to look at the man in the Ivory Tower, excuse me, the White House.

      • Adam Rytwiński

        Dear Murf, new elections in US are going to take place quite soon :)
        I think, this is a time for a man with guts, McCain looks like a right person.
        As for the “Ivory Tower”, IMHO you have exaggerated a little bit, however Mr. Obama has no guts 😉

        • Murf

          Unfortunately John’s a bit old for the highest pressure job on the planet.
          I Can’t help wonder if Barack had let Hillary have her shot at the presidency in 08. If McCain had won I don’t think we would be worried about Ukraine right now. Putin would have thought long and hard about messing with McCain. McCain hates Putins guts and has made no bones about it.
          I think McCain would have treated Poland with a heck of a lot more respect.
          Barack running in 2012 or 2016 would have had a LOT more experience in the Senate and would have hopefully done a better job with more realistic goals.
          Oh well.

    • FLYFX

      Obama is too concerned being the peaceful President instead of a decisive one. Reagan, Bill and the Bush family would be all about precision bombing the anti air Russia has as well as picking off the tanks that are rolling around each sector of Ukraine that are brandishing Russian flags.

  • Milton Devonair

    Very good article.
    Russia has always been a threat to the human race, so while humans have evolved, russians continue to devolve into, well, russians.

    • FLYFX

      LoL!